Black Woman In Bloom
Ep.24 Thoughts on Healing. It’s a Chapter, Not the Book
Welcome to the Black Woman in Bloom Podcast, a semi-monthly podcast designed to uplift, encourage and empower Black Women by exploring wellness topics that promote self-care and mindfulness. I’m your host, TaReon Jael, a Certified Health Educator and Medical Lab Scientist. For more information, please visit blackwomaninbloom.com. While I hope you enjoy listening to and learning from the podcast, please remember that it is not a substitute for a relationship with a licensed healthcare provider.
Hello and welcome to episode 24.
I’ve been reading How We Heal by Alexandra Elle. I like the journal prompts and writing exercises she shares. I also appreciate the personal stories that are sprinkled throughout the book. The stories are some of Alexandra Elle’s, and some are the personal stories of others, like Morgan Harper Nichols and Glennon Doyle. A common theme I’m seeing emerge within the personal stories is that many of us have our self-care rituals for maintaining our emotional health down to a science. We journal, pray and meditate, spend time with friends and family, prioritize rest, exercise regularly, go to therapy, and practice mindful eating. I mean, doing the healing work is nothing new to us.
But then something happens. After a negative interaction with someone or seeing something upsetting in our newsfeed, we find ourselves remembering an experience, and then we’re caught in an emotional tailspin.
We’re left feeling discouraged. We wonder why this pain has resurfaced after all the healing work we’ve done to process the emotions from those past experiences.
In today’s episode, I want to offer some tips and words of encouragement for you on your emotional healing journey and then lead us through a guided meditation.
The guided meditation will be at the end of the episode, but if you’d like to download the guided meditation by itself, head to the link in the show notes.
Or go to blackwomaninbloom.com/episodes/24.
Emotional healing is the process of acknowledging, accepting, integrating, and processing painful life experiences and strong emotions.
We engage in this emotional healing work because we know there are proven health benefits. Emotional healing can lead to better cardiovascular health, potentially longer life span, lower cortisol (stress hormone) output, lower heart rate, and decreased likelihood of developing upper respiratory infection.
And let’s be honest, as Black people; we experience so much trauma, so can we afford not to do this emotional healing work?
Before starting the process, decide if the time is right. It’s not an easy process, and the journey can sometimes be uncomfortable. But I believe you’ll know when it’s time.
I’m sharing these tips in no particular order because healing is not a linear process.
Be honest with yourself about how you’re feeling. This process is just for you, so you don’t have to pretend, cover up, mask, or lie about your true feelings. What good will it do? Or maybe a better question is how has hiding, pretending, or masking your feelings helped in the past?
My first suggestion is to write or journal to help gain some clarity.
Start by naming what you’re feeling. If you’re having trouble naming it, then describe how it feels in your body. Does it feel like a tightness in your chest or a lump in your throat? Does it feel like a heaviness? If you’re feeling down, acknowledge it. Acknowledge it if you’re feeling anxious, apathetic, empty, angry, bored, etc.. You are human, so you’re allowed to feel the range of human emotions, and you may or may not feel them at various times.
How does it feel to acknowledge it? Is it uncomfortable? If so, why? Were you told it’s a sign of weakness to feel and/or express that emotion?
Have you been avoiding expressing that emotion?
For example, the angry black woman stereotype is so pervasive that many of us are afraid to express anger, frustration, or criticism. And if/when we decide to express those emotions, sometimes we feel we have to do so gently. So we may lower or soften our voice, smile more, and or soften our body language. I will discuss this topic in more detail in the next episode of the podcast, episode 25. But for now, we’re just taking time to think through and/or write down our thoughts.
Research resources available to you to help with processing emotions. Consider finding a counselor or therapist. There are different types of therapy at various price points. Some platforms and apps offer online sessions and even sessions via text message. Therapists and counselors are trained to listen to your story, offer a fresh perspective, and suggest steps you can take to work through the emotions. Sometimes that’s all it takes to help you overcome something that’s been weighing heavily on you for the longest time.
Give yourself time to process. Sometimes there’s a tendency to be impatient with ourselves. We wonder why we can’t just “get over it” or “snap out of it.” The thing is, emotions don’t work like that. Our minds sometimes need time to process. And as I mentioned at the top of the episode, there will be moments when a painful memory and its associated emotions may arise almost out of nowhere.
Start or re-start your self-care habits. And I want to emphasize “re-start.” I’m speaking from experience when I say this. Sometimes when we’re going through something, we tend to “fall off” on our self-care habits. But this is the opposite of what we should be doing. So when we find ourselves back in a place where we need to do some healing work, let’s get back to our self-care habits.
This doesn’t have to be luxurious unless you want it to be. This could be simple things like committing to get enough sleep at night, staying hydrated throughout the day, avoiding toxic people if possible, incorporating a few minutes of movement into your day, or reaching out to a loved one to catch up.
During this journey, it's easy to get pulled back into those storms of emotions, so it’s helpful to practice mindfulness. Practicing mindfulness will help ground you in the present moment and allow your mind to settle.
As I mentioned, I’ve included a guided meditation at the end of this episode. Keep listening to the episode, or go to the link in the show notes to download that free guided meditation.
I want to share a story from one of my favorite podcasts, Ratchet and Respectable with Demetria L. Lucas.
So if you’re not familiar with Demetria L. Lucas, she’s a self-described award-winning author, journalist and media personality with an all-consuming obsession with modern relationships and a penchant for cultural commentary. On her podcast, she talks about society, pop culture, fashion, and her various travel adventures. I’ve included a link to her podcast in the show notes, so please show her some support.
In a podcast episode, she released a few months back, Demetria tells the story of her experience after her divorce. She was heartbroken and going through a rough time, which is understandable. At that time, Demetria’s dad suggested she sit with one of his friends. She was a woman in her late seventies and had been married and divorced three times. So Demetria meets with the woman, and during their conversation, the woman shares the names of her ex-husbands. So let’s say their names were Mark, Tony, and whoever number 3 was. The woman shares that she was heartbroken after each divorce, so she gathered her things and moved in with her mother to get back on her feet, and then she went on living her life after each marriage ended. It surprised Demetria how casually the woman described her divorces, and the woman told Demetria, “You’re treating this divorce like it’s the book when it’s just a chapter.”
The story resonated with me because I can think of several times when I was upset and hurt over something, and it seemed like I’d never get over it. For example, I’ve talked about a previous workplace that was toxic. What upset me the most was having a former co-worker question my competence. So here I was at this job, with very little training or guidance, and I was doing my best to teach myself what I needed to know. I mean, I was drawing from my previous work experience; I’m getting help from my coworkers who were gracious enough to teach me all that they knew, combing through the procedures, and staying on top of my continuing education. These are things that I usually do. But no matter what, this coworker would still criticize my work. And the weird thing is a few years later, this coworker sang my praises to our boss.
After leaving that workplace, I would still reflect on that experience and feel the hurt. So I took some time to think through that experience. And when I say time, I mean…years. I practiced the tips that I just shared with you. So I journaled, prayed and meditated, talked to my friends and family, and talked to a therapist about the experience. Through that time of processing, I realized that this person’s unfair criticism of me still hurt, because it was unwarranted, and deep down, I felt insecure about my competence. During the process of healing from that experience, I uncovered some truths. I realized their criticisms said more about their personality and behavior, especially when you consider how after some time, that coworker applauded my work. Their behavior had little to do with me or how I conducted myself. So whenever I think about that experience, and that feeling of pain tries to resurface, I remind myself of the truths I uncovered while processing that experience.
And if you meet my current and some of my favorite former coworkers, you’ll find that they are some of the most supportive folks I’ve ever had the pleasure of working with. Some of them listen to the podcast, so shout out to you all. You make and have made my career journey that much more fulfilling.
When painful moments from those chapters of our life resurface, it can seem like we’ll never heal. Life consists of various chapters with all sorts of ups and downs, but if we commit to this healing work. We’ll continually uncover truths and be able to look back over our lives and see that all of those experiences added a variety of chapters. Some chapters may be joyous, some may be difficult, and some may be hilarious, but all these chapters add variety to the book of our lives.
Meditation
I want to take a brief pause before the guided meditation. Feel free to pause and return to this meditation when you have the time and space to relax. If you like, head to the show notes to download the free guided meditation by itself and the corresponding journal prompts. It may be helpful to work through the prompts after your meditation session.
Go ahead and find a comfortable position, either seated or lying down. Bring your eyes to a soft focus without focusing on one particular thing. Let’s take a few moments to sit in stillness and become aware of the breath. Begin with some deep belly breaths. Breathing in through the nose and out through the mouth.
As you inhale, notice the air entering your lungs; as you exhale, notice the air leaving your body. Continue these deep belly breaths for a few more cycles.
On the last exhale, gently allow the eyes to close and your breathing to return to normal.
Now, bring to mind the ebbs and flows of emotional healing. Just like the tides of the ocean, your emotions come and go in waves. Some days you feel strong and capable of handling anything that comes your way, while other days you may feel overwhelmed and vulnerable. And that’s okay.
Allow yourself to sit with this idea for a moment, without judgment or expectation. Just notice any thoughts, feelings, or sensations that arise.
Imagine yourself as a traveler on this journey. You encounter obstacles and challenges along the way, but you have the strength and resilience to overcome them.
Visualize yourself moving forward, even when the road ahead seems uncertain. See yourself growing and learning from each experience, gaining wisdom and insight as you continue on your path.
There will be times when you feel stuck or like you’re moving backwards. But just like the tides of the ocean, your emotions will eventually shift and change. Trust in your ability to navigate the ebbs and flows of your healing journey, and know that you are capable of finding peace and wholeness along the way.
When you’re ready, take a few more deep breaths and slowly open your eyes. Take a moment to notice how you feel, and carry this sense of calm and strength with you as you continue on your journey.